if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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