shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
