I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
