i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
