I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
