A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
