Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
