So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
