Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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