the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
ttyl tear gas
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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