What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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