When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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