dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
