Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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