I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
