Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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