Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
