I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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