I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
