fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
