You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Let's paint friendship bongs
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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