you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
