Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
