Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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