I just pynch a tree in the face
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
