maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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