Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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