I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
