FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
