I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
