Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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