Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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