He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
