My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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