i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
