My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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