I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
