my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
