Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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