then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
