I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
