Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
