You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
whose ass print is on the piano?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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