woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
