It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
