Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
