I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
