R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Randomize
