sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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