i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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