ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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